Something for You, B.

Dear B, 

I have personally known you for like what, 50 years already. It started when I transferred to the high school you were attending to. I was 13 then, and you--uh, I didn't know. I didn't because I didn't care. For me, you were just one of those guys with those girls, flirting and always showing-off. But not until I bumped into you in the locker area. It was purely accidental. I swear I did not mean to spill that coffee on your shirt. I was just in a hurry because I was late for my class. 

I wasn't expecting you would be nice to me after that spillage thing. 

Oh I forgot to mention you were with her. Yes, that not-pretty-yet-attractive-for-some-reasons-I-didn't-know girl, who I assumed was your girlfriend. Well it seemed you two had issues, I could tell by the look on her face. 

Anyway. 

After months, I heard she dumped you. I hate to say this but, I thought you were the perfect couple. I guessed there was always an end to everything-- even if it seemed perfect.

Summer vacation. 

It was dull for me. I used to have plans with my friends during summer until I went away and transferred. So I just stayed at home, and did nothing. 

Summer passed by so slowly.

School days came.

We were juniors then. 

To my surprise, you became my classmate in home-ec. You were the only person I knew in the room so I approached you. Well, there was another reason why I did. I gained interest in you since the day I spilled coffee on you. And "interested" not in a flirt way.

It is getting really late now B. I will continue writing this letter tomorrow. 

D

Wake up!

We were sitting together.
When suddenly, you saw her.
You said her name.
You stood up.
Went to a room.
Got something.
You forgot about me and ran after her.
I was shocked and hurt and so I ran away.
Then I saw you talking to her,giving her something.
I called your name.
You looked at me, I looked at you.
But you just shrugged it off.
I ran away.
Looked for someone to cry on.
But there was no one.
So I continued running.
On my way, somebody offered a ride.
I refused.
Then suddenly, a car accident happened right in front of my face.
I supposed somebody was killed.
I wished it was me.
.
.
.
.
.
That was when I woke up.

going back to zero again x((((

       

          Okay. When was the last time that I posted something emotional(?)? I suppose, that was on December huh?Great! It has been almost three weeks. But, I'm feeling something wrong again since last Thursday. I feel sad. I feel insecure. I feel, uh, I don't know. It's a circus of emotions. I am feeling 'feelings' for no apparent and sensible reason. x(

          I was regaining everything-- happiness, etc.-- then suddenly, after a month, everything's going back to zero again.

          This is abnormal. I'm afraid I'll be needing a psychologist (laughs) to be able to deal with this 'emotional problem/depression' (yeah. I call it emotional problem/depression.just don't mind it.).

          But, how long will this one take? Three days? Three weeks? Three months? x(
Am i the only one going through this? But why?!


          I'm gonna get through you.

          And prayers may help. No. They, surely, will help. :)

         It'll just take time and a little help from friends and love one. (uh. composing myself)

Sometimes, it just has to be no.

Ever been into a situation when your friends requested you something and you just can't do it 'coz there are guests coming to your house and your father ,who is strict, just won't let you to?

YES.

The most bothersome part?
It is when your friends are disappointed with you.
You are stuck in a dilemma. When you go, dad will be mad. If you don't, friends will be mad/disappointed. So no matter what you choose, the result will be bad.

But, you know, sometimes you just have to disappoint because of some unavoidable circumstances.

It is not always yes. Sometimes it just has to be no,too. Try to understand, please.

And who wants to be rejected, anyway?

You  know that moment in your life when you feel like you've been rejected by everyone around?


Rejection. Everyone feels that sometimes, somehow. Yeah. I suppose everyone fears it, too. Uh, I do. It bothers me sooo much. You know, everyday of my life, I am being rejected. By my parents. By my family. By my friends. In school. So let's just say that I'm getting used to it. It has been a part of my life already.

The sad part?
 It is no matter how hard you try working your ass off trynna impress 'em and trynna meet their expectations, they tend not to see the effort---your efforts.

Example. Your friends. Uh, you always try to do every favor they ask, agree with and accept everything they say. But you know sometimes, it isn't just enough and they seem to hate you or dislike you or whatsoever. And, you've been going nuts thinking, "What's lacking?", "What the hell is wrong with me?", "Have I done something irritating again?"
Paranoid, eh?

People. They reject you because they don't:
                                                                LOVE YOU!
                                                                RESPECT YOU!
                                                                APPRECIATE YOU!
                                                                NEED YOU!

Uh. I guess, to be rejected is human nature.

Alas! I know someone who does not reject. Who loves me unconditionally. Who trusts me with so many things. Who accepts me for who I am, despite my flaws and weaknesses. Who respects me. And the one who appreciates every bit of me.

You know HIM?
 Well, I bet you do.
He is....
G---O---D

Thank You

Thank you for everything.
Thank you for all that you've done to me.
Thank you for breaking me.
Thank you for tearing me apart.
Thank you for letting me fall.
Thank you that because of you I am SCARED, LONELY, INSECURE, UNCONFIDENT.
Thank you for all your belittling.
Thank you for pushing me inside this box.
Thank you for building these walls around me.
Thank you that because of you I feel like I am nothing.
Thank you for killing me.
Thank you for burying me alive.
Thank you!Thank you!

had a bad day

Something bad happened this day and I felt like a burk.It made me realize that i can't make my OWN decision and that I am no certain with so many things 'bout me.

The only things I am certain of me are that I am scared.Afraid of what others might think of me.I am ignorant.Stupid.A moron.Ugly.A freak----you may say that.I am jealous.Uncontented. Insecure.Worried.A liar. I am a sinner. Always neglected. Misplaced. Mistreated. Rejected.Disregarded.I'm more like of a loser.Too pathetic huh?

Behind my every smile is a tear. Inside my happy face is a lonely girl. Happy? No. No. I'm too broken to be happy. I don't know. Stupid, huh? I....I am not too happy with this life.And never will be. My heart is so filled with emptiness, with confusion, with worries. I can't express myself and let others see my true colors. I just keep everything inside, in the heart I suppose. I'm afraid one day it'll just explode like a landmine when someone accidentally steps on it.

Too emotional. I guess I just had a bad day.

Tomorrow will be another day. I wish all this pain(?)--everything--will be gone.

I'm getting sleepy already.I know it's too early for this but...goodnight!

Untitled (can't think of a title that's why)

Ugh..I was supposed to participate in the SCC Global Fun Run 2011and attend the beach party afterwards, but here I am, in front  of this computer blogging about my disappointment with regards to these said events.Uh, well....(obviously) the disappointment i am referring to is this incident of me not being able to attend the fun run and the party. Although it was in my plan that I'm not gonna run and that I am only after the fun and the party, the disappoinment's still there.My parents didn't allow me to go there  because of two reasons, first, my younger sister's gonna review for her exam on Monday and she can't go too, and second, the events might end late at night and I have to be home before the sun sets.


 You know that feeling when you are expecting something and it did not happen?Especially when that "something" has been in your head for a week or so.? "Ito ang disadvantage ng babae eh.."
Okay, it's here again.My envy for the boys is here again. Yeah.I envy them for so many things. They can do things that we, girls can't.They could attend a party or something without even trying so hard to ask for their parents' permission because they are boys. They can come home late at night because they are boys.Blah!Blah!Blah!


Enough for this.I've realized, no matter how hard I try to air these "complaints(?)", nothing will happen.It can't make me be at the fun run(which i guess, is already finished) and at the beach party( which is going on at this very moment). It can't change the fact that I am here while everyone's having fun there.


:((


But, who knows?Tomorrow might be different. When I wake up tomorrow morning, i might be a boy na or better yet, I'll be given the privileges the boys have.Uh, you know what I mean.
Yah. It could happen.Just maybe.

Abstract Reasoning..... I failed!!!yeay!!:p

Yesterday (October 25, 2011), I together with some friends and schoolmates took the Colegio San Juan de Letran scholarship(?) examination at Mangaldan National High School.


The day before the test,one of my friends set 6:00 A.M.as the meeting time and the loading area of buses(in front of Mercury Drugstore) as the meeting place.And as expected few came late.We waited for few more minutes but we had to leave for Mangaldan because we were misinformed that we should be there at 8:00.We left one behind. And while on our way we were like,"ala!patawa!ba't ntin yun iniwan?!"


After some time, we were able to arrive at the venue.We were really, really,really amazed by the school's (Mangaldan National High School) infrastructures.And we couldn't help but compare it to our school.Then, we were informed that the test wold start at 10:00.Hearing this, we went like,"what?!we woke up too early just to make it here at 8:00!?"


Then there, the proctors arrived and instructed us what to do( wew..but for me, they failed to give CLEAR instructions..SHHH!!)


There were two parts of the examination; the first part which was about abstract reasoning, was somewhat like a qualifier test for the second part,which was the scholarship examination proper.


The first part started.The test was easy.Yeah.Almost everybody said it was easy. And the only thing that made it hard was the time limit.


It was in the last part of the test when i felt like i didn't know what to do.I was like," What's the instruction again?!?What am I supposed to do with this dot and these shapes, huh?!?"So I just studied the example given above the test paper.I tried to answer the first two items,then..."OK..I really don't know this..." So I didn't bother to answer the remaining items. And as I expected, I failed!!yeah.I did.hahay.I failed the first part so I, together with some, just waited for those who qualified for the second part..


When they were done, we left for Lucao to eat our lunch and to window-shop.


then,we went home...


That day was full of fun..Yeah, I guess so.
and.....thanks to stomach cramps(?) for causing minimal distractions,huh...:|